Even Winning Feels Bad

     My tears fall in sync with Echos Myron playing quietly in the background. Freshly 24 with nothing to show for it but some Twitter followers and lots of opinions. I fear that my hipsterness has kept me from finding a true, genuine light within me. I reject my algorithm even when it tries to plead a case for self-care. I swipe past hopecore as fast as I swipe past TikTok shop ads. 

    I think the root of all my problems started in middle school when I realized I could be a "chill" girl. I was the kid who spent time getting analyzed outside of school. I had such deep, complex emotions that I couldn't compartmentalize at a young age, and it made me feel so lost. It was around 12 that I noticed I could just kinda be... one note... chill... cool... even while I felt weird and eccentric. The real problem lies within my high school self, where I decided it was cool to be emotionless. With all the crazy hormones coursing through my body, it felt freeing to be openly repressive. Around this time, I got a free shirt that said "I FEEL NOTHING" with my purchase of a ticket for the movie Thoroughbreds. It was perfect for my plan. I faked it till I made it and soon realized I had tricked myself into actually bottling my emotions deeeep deeep down. Everything ended up spilling out when I went to college and connected with friends who told me it is actually not cool at all to keep things to myself. I thought I was elusive! I thought I was saving you all the trouble of being inside my unfiled, disorderly cabinet of a mind. 

    Going through my own version of a mid-twenties crisis has me looking back at that girl who proudly wore a shirt that exclaimed she felt nothing. What did she love? Maybe she knew more than I do? Like many weirdos, I felt insanely inspired watching Nirvanna: The Band The Show The Movie. Was the point of all this to make funny videos with my friends? Oddly enough, the glimmer of hope that Matt and Jay brought me led my mind back to my early creative idols, Sugar Pine 7. Just Google it. I was so obsessed with their videos and style of comedy that when I was 16, I worked a whole summer at Chipotle just to save money for my own video equipment. I made a perfect recreation of their videos with a friend and some school projects, aaaaand that's about it. I was deeply obsessed with filmmaking, scriptwriting, and editing for a bit, and then it all faded when college applications ended, and Covid-19 started. The meme of "Class of 2020" is played out, but truthfully, during that time, I just focused on not crying every day, and my passions slipped out of my hands. I had my brief stint as a shmontent shmeator on TikTok, making videos about mucore bullshit. I could have stuck with that and made ads for Hopeless Records and the newest Gen-Z emo bands, but it all felt deeply embarrassing to me. I don't regret making TikToks in my bedroom during covid and I also don't regret stopping due to its gaucheness. 

    I could not ignore the intense creative itch I felt as soon as I walked out of the theater a few weeks ago. I want to make stuff again!!WhatdoethatmeanItruthfullydontknow!!!! For the past year, I've been in a desperate search for finding out what fulfills me and how to try and turn that into a happy, successful, awesome, cool life where I shoot lasers out of my eyes and piss beer. The idea of being comfortable and content within a job sounds as fairytale-like as marriage. I know these are average 24-year-old bullshit problems boooohooo I live in Bushwick, my life is aimless, and I work in the service industry to make money let me pause my sob story to smoke away my problems while listening to Nick Mullen call center stories for the millionth time blahblahblah I make myself sick. 

I hope I figure something out this year. I'm trying to create something that isn't vertical Reels slop, but if it is, just let me chase the bag in peace. This is all just character development right??????