Girlfailure

 

I wish I could go to the corner store and buy some drive while I pick up toilet paper and a Celsius. I loved college. I was getting a degree in being terminally online and ran the radio station like the hipster navy. I learned to relax by highlighting PDFs about media ethics on my sticker-covered MacBook. Graduation felt like 10 cement bricks lifted off my chest then I realized I have to enter the real world, and I could hear the beeps of the dump truck backing up to put each brick back in place. I always hated LinkedIn. Dystopian social media for nerds and tryhards. I look at my resume and my stomach hurts. I’m 23 and loathe the term “big girl job”. Maybe it’s because I’m stuck in the comfortable limbo of my food service job that I love to hate. It’s kinda hard to be motivated to make big changes when the only tattoo on my body reminds me WHATEVER FOREVER every day. Whatever I should’ve removed that thing Forever ago. I’ve been What the hell, sure-ing this first year post-grad. I avoid LinkedIn every day and write and read and make people laugh and I feel fulfilled so why should I yearn for the days of being a corporate shill. I don’t even know what I want anymore, that’s fine I think at least I go to bed at night knowing I’m a nice girl with no real enemies except the few that weed made me forget. We are happy to report that the bong hit transplant was successful but in the procedure we lost all of 2020-2022. 

REASONS TO HIRE JENNA

• Will replace every song with lyrics about being gay 
• Cool band shirt collection 
• Can explain incel slang in a digestible way

I hate those tweets that are like “I’m 23 AM I DOOMED?” Yes we are but let that doom crush you and run you over and let the preconceived notions of how you thought your life would be already ooze out until you’re flat like that girl in the 2000s anti-drug commercial. I am the Kendall Roy of walking around and listening to Animal Collective. I am the Norm Macdonald of serving pizza to West Village yuppies. I am the Jenna of being annoying.